The Last moments....

The last family pic we had... clicked when Anup was about to fly for US (at IGI Airport). Not knowing that this wud be the last gud bye to him... not even the last thing we cud think of. Still remember he was so nervous on the day he had to go.. 29th Jan 2010.. Probably somewhere in his heart he didn't wanted to.. He was so partuclar about the luggage weight that he wud have interchanged things in it for some 15-20 times ... kabhie ek suitcase ka weight exceed kar jaata kabhie doosre ka... n we were like.... " just wake us up when u will be done with this weighing game"... I had never seen him so anxious before..
I remember him when he bade us that last gud bye... from the staff entry gate of the departure terminal... He came back especially after checking in his luggage to give his last glimpse to us...
n he sent his last sms to all of us... mummy, papa, lalit n me.... "i am about to fly..thank u for such a support..bbyee flying.." sent at 5.13 a.m. when he boarded his flight...
...Anup u indeed flew away...but so far off.. why my dear?? y have u punished all ur near n dear ones in such a way??
This sinking feeling of u not being around us has started getting stronger day by day..
u thanked us for giving u all the support ... Will u my dear not render ur support when v need it the most??
I regret two things the most now... firstly that we missed 6 & half months of ur life with us.... secondly though u wanted to come to India for a while to c Saavi, ur niece, but we didn't let u..thinking u wud unnecessarily be troubling urself by travelling so far off..
Though this regret is of no use now... but if u can please excuse us for nething that has troubled u ever bcoz of ur family... especially me... as i used to scold u a lot.. for not keeping ur room tidy, not keeping ur clothes in place... n million other things.. I am sorry for all that as i miss that untidiness the most now....
Ur absence has shaken our souls but we all pray that may ur soul rest in peace forever..

Suri .. A good friend

Suri.. as I called him was not just my colleague or neighbor but he was a very very good friend of mine. During my stay at US it was dead boring before he shifted to the next flat from ours. The day is still fresh in mind. We had shrimp cooking at hour place. And suri’s first line was tumhare yahan hamesha acha khana banta hai kya.. I was amazed at times to see how much he loved food and of course garam masala :) . Uske sath khate khate main bi moti ho gait thi.. Its funny.. but our love for daily soaps actually brought us closer. I would just barge in at his place calling out suri suri suri.. n he was like tu kabhi mat sudhariyo. He shared a lot of things about his life with me. He told me like a 100 stories. And I am glad that he did. :) He loved his family, his mother, father, bhaiya, bhabi and friends a lot. N he was always so happy to see his niece. N he missed them even more. He so wanted to go back rite from the day he came here. Not that he wasn’t enjoyin here. Suri jahan rahega masti to wahan hogi.. he always used to say ‘life is all about fun’ but he later changed his idea of life because he wanted to become responsible. Which he was. Especially for his love for BI090 which many of u guys won’t know about. He was sooo good natured. He took care of every one’s feeling. Aur mujhe bolta tha ‘sikh le tujhe zarurat padegi’. N I learnt too.. I can go on and on with my experiences with Suri. The 5 months I spent with him were awesome.. But I will leave it at this, wishing that his soul rests in peace. And also that he comes back to us soon …. Suri u are missed !!! :(

I miss you, I love you and that's THE END!!..

"Sometimes I hurt and wonder why
What did I do to deserve this life
Does God hate me or is this game
The game of living, its all the same"...

Bhai, I miss You,
I miss the whisper when you talked on phone
from your office,
I miss the warmth of knowing
You're just a call away,
I miss the way we fought and
played,
I miss seeing your big bright
smile,
I miss when you talk on phone and
walking here n there,
I miss when you helping at home in
cooking,
I miss making you wear your
seat belt,
I miss when we were in temple and
prayed,
I miss your smelling socks
when you take off your shoes,
I miss you with all my might,
I miss the way we would always against lalit bhai
while playing cards,
I miss you my Brother,
I miss you my Heart,
I miss you, I love you that's
THE END!!!

A Birthday wish from Anup to His loving brother Lalit

Lalit....
Jotted this for u as "thoughts from Anup" .... straight from his heart .... to wish you Happy Birthday....
I know u will miss him the most today .... but so do we .... we all are helpless to fill the void he has created.
If u can just Smile for a while so as to make his soul rest in peace n happiness...

Anup’s last birthday in India (14th March 2009).

The above video was taken on Anup’s last birthday in India (14^th March 2009).

It started at 12:00 Midnight with a small photo shoot and than Gayitri Mantra followed by Cake cutting ceremony and than 1 candle has to be kept in our small temple. It became a tradition in our small family to celebrate Birthdays and Anniversaries like this. He was the one who started this and made everyone happy with such small celebrations. Till date we all had been celebrating our birthdays like this but not today.

It’s my birthday bhai, I am sure you can not forget to bring the candles and that silly cake every time. Today I am waiting for you and my cake.

Every year we celebrated your birthday and sing the happy birthday song which says ‘May gods bless you’ which we did in your 2009 birthday when you were here with us. We just missed your one birthday in March 2010 and for that god have given such a punishment to us…. I always loved all these small things you started to put everyone together happy always. Today I understood why you started this tradition, it was because to bring happiness amongst us, it was because to make our bonding even stronger. You always believed in celebrating every small happiness; every small occasion as that’s the way you lived your life…

Today I am really missing you a lot!! I don’t know how much I will miss you more today, the whole day. Life without you is looking very dull. Waiting for your wishes!!

Teri Yaad Main Do Aansu Chupke Se Beh Gaye !

How can I forget my childhood days spent with Anup.Childhood memories are some of our most precious memories we possess.I have very fond memories of my brothers and sisters playing,eating in the same plate,climbing trees to pluck guavas and enjoying life to the fullest.
Now those memories come back to haunt me.They haunt me like a curse.
Life gives us brief moments with one another...but sometimes in those brief moment we get memories that last for a life time.
I want people to remember ANUP as a full on entertainer and a good person. Some cause happiness wherever they go and he was such a kind of person who spread his fragrance everywhere he went.He was a good person, sweet, kind, considerate.
This should have never happened to him. In this moment of grief, I pray to the Lord Almighty to provide enough strength and courage to all of us to bear this irreparable loss and ask Lord Almighty to grant his departed soul eternal rest.
Dil Kuch Tadap Utha, Zuban Bhi Ladkhadai ,
Teri Yaad Main Do Aansu Chupke Se Beh Gaye !

ANUP SURI...NATURE'S MASTER-PIECE

I want to write something about Anup but words are not enough to describe him.
He was nature’s masterpiece indeed he was a king because like a king he very well knew how to keep everybody happy.
Many people walk in and out of our life,but only some leave their footprints and he was such a kind of person who has left a mark in everybody’s life with whom he was associated.
The gap which he has left can never be filled…………
I still remember those days when Vishal was in U.S and Anup came to me with the webcam and fixed it on my deskstop and told me “Bhabhi ab aap bhaiya se live chat karna”
Aisa tha Anup ……….He was such a sweertheart………My ears still don’t believe that he is no more with us.Physically he may not be present but he will always be alive in my thoughts…
Anup was a person who provided Comfort on difficult days, smiles when sadness intrudes, laughter when one felt sad, friendships to brighten the day,faith so that you can believe, confidence when one was in doubt, courage to coward, patience to accept the truth and Love to every one to complete everybody’s life.
In the book of LIFE every page has two sides, one side on which we human beings fill with our plans, hopes and wishes, but almighty writes SOMETHING ELSE on the other side which we had never expected.
It is a terrible, terrible loss to us and I pray to God that he gives all of us the strength to bear this sad loss. May his soul rest in eternal peace.

तुम उदास मत होना

Here are some of my thoughts very well edited by Mrs Nirmala Kapila jee (my aunt)-----

सभी गम भुलाने के लिये नही होते
कुछ बन जाते हैं
ज़िन्दगी का अटूट हिस्सा
हम खुद उनसे
अलग होना नही चाहते
हाँ जीने के लिये
दिल की परतों मे
सहेज लेते हैं कुछ यादें
और डूब जाते हैं
तब हम ,हम नही होते
हम और वो दोनो होते हैं
जीना है उसके बिना अगर
इसके सिवा नही कोई राह
देख लेना हम जी कर दिखा देंगे
उभर जायेंगे और मौत के मुँह पर
तमाचा लगायेंगे
हमारी बेबसी पर
तुम उदास मत होना
कभी यादों मे झाँक लिया करना
वक्त की नाव को इन्तज़ार रहेगा
कभी खुशी का एक पल
झाँकेगा हमारी ज़िन्दगी मे
तो समझ लेंगे हमने
पूरी ज़िन्दगी जी ली
तुम उदास मत होना
उस घडी भी तुम
हमारे दिल मे ही रहोगे

कविता

वक्त का मरहम 

सावन की तरह
आयी घनघोर घटायें
सदमों की बरसात लिये
तकलीफ?
बहुत तकलीफ हुयी
इस बाढ मे बह गये
दिल मे करीने से संजोये
कुछ सपनों के चिथडे
रखे थी संभाल कर
इस आस मे कि शायद
लगा सकूँ उन पर कुछ पैबन्द
फिर से जी उठी थी
भूल गयी थी कि सावन
तो फिर आयेगा
मगर इस बाढ मे
वो चिथडे भी बह गये
रह गयी बस यादें
ज्येष्ठ आषाढ की धूप मे
सिकुडी मिट्टी की परत जैसी
हाँ तकलीफ हो रही है

हर बार होती है

हर बाढ पर होती है
बहुत तकलीफ
शायद वकत का मरहम
जानता ही इसका ईलाज।

Life isn't fair.

I say that often, and this is what has happened. We take life so much for granted that we forget how fragile we and our relations are. Some events in life force us to think whether I am doing what I should actually be doing?

I have met Anup very few times, but I know Lalit very well, and to me he is less of a Jija ji and much more of an elder brother (though I say TU and he say AAP to me, which I always object). It always amazed me to feel that the understanding, true unconditional love, concern, pride that Anup and Lalit share, is just what me and my bro share who is two years elder to me. It’s hard for me to accept and react on what has happened. We ask god, why me, why us, but we get no answer. I think its up to us, how to face the voids. It brings me solace that I am writing for Anup's Blog, which Lalit, his bro, has made.

Love u Lalit, Love u Nanni

ek gazal aur kuch savaal

एक गज़ल और कुछ सवाल

बेशक संसार एक माया है
मगर यहाँ का हर पल एक सच है
हम हंस रहे हैं ये सच है
इस पर कोई सवाल नही
खुश हैं तो हंस रहे हैण
रो रहे हैं तो भी सच है
कोई सवाल नही दुखी हैं तो रो रहे हैं
लेकिन हर पल क्षणिक होता है
दूसरे पल हंसने वाला रो रहा होता है
य भी उसी का सच है लेकिन
उस सच पर पता नही ह क्यों
सवाल खडे कर देते हैं
जो एक शाश्वत सच है !
मौत एक शाश्वत सच है
मगर इसे स्वीकारने मे हम
कितने प्रश्न खडे कर देते हैं
इन्सान के स्वार्थ या अहं पर
जब चोट लगती है
तभी उसका मन सवाल पूछता है
हम सब को भी
तुम्हारी मौत को स्वीकारने मे
वक्त लगेगा, मगर स्वीकार लेंगे
मेरे भी कई सवाल वक्त के
अंधेरे मे खोते जा रहे हैं
तुम से जितनी शिकायतें थी
धूमिल होती जा रही हैं
और उनकी जगह जो दुख उपजता है
उसमे तुम्हारे लिये दया करुणा होती है
क्यों कि हम फिर उसी तरह
उसी तरह तो नही मगर किसी तरह
ज़िन्दगी की गाडी मे सवार हो विचरने लगे हैं
मगर तुम? इस दुनिया से दूर हो गये
पता नही क्या खाते होगे कैसे सोते होंगे।
कोई तुम्हएं वहाँ माँ जैसे
प्यार भी करता होगा या नहीं
अभी पूरी तरह तुम्हारी मौत को
स्वीकारा नही इस लिये
सवालों की गति चाहे धूमिल पड गयी है
मगर सवाल अभी भी पीछा नही छोडते
शायद जान बूझ कर
इनसे पीछा छुडवाना नही चाहते
इस पर एक शेर कहूँ?
तुम बहुत खुश होते थे न मेरे शेर सुन क्र
तो सुनो--- अभी एक शेर कहने लगी तो कई बन गये
सभी सुनो तुम्हारे लिये हैं । इस पर जो असली गज़ल लिखी थी
उसे बाद मे सुनाऊँगी

करूँ अब क्या मुझे ये ज़िन्दगी अच्छी नही लगती
मुझे इन आँसुओ से दुश्मनी अच्छी नही लगती

नहीं वश मौत पर चाहे किसी का भी मगर सच है
किसी माँ को यूँ अर्थी निकलती अच्छी नही लगती

गया है चाँद पर जब से अकेली छोड कर उसको
ये चंदा और उसकी चाँदनी अच्छी नही लगती

जगेंगे रात भर अपने गमों के साये मे जी भर
बुझा दो दीप सारे रोशनी अच्छी नही लगती

गमों की शाम मे भाई हि कन्धा दे अगर उसको
नहीं हो साथ भाई का खुशी अच्छी नही लगती

Life with him was so beautiful !!

We look so alike !!

Those were the most wonderful days of my life when he was with me, today if I think what was so special with him; it was his mere presence which is so beautiful. I have nothing left of him, but all his memories which is making me feel so much alone...

He was the most adventurous person I have met in my life. The way he saw the world is so pure and full of optimism. From last 20 days I have spent so much time thinking about him, that now I am feeling so many voids in my life.

The above snap was taken on 21st June 2009 at Jim Corbett Park, when I left my previous organisation and I got 3 days to join my next organization. He was the one who was happier for me. He was the one ready for the trip, which some of us already know how desperate he was always for an outing. He was the one who made my transition so joyful. I beg to god and anyone in this universe, to give me a chance so as I can relive all those moments we spent together. I need some more time with him. Everyone is saying it's not possible, but I just want to relive those moments. I can even negotiate him in my dreams, which I have been trying so hard from last so many days… May god give me one more chance.

कुछ सवाल---2

कुछ सवाल ---- 2

जब से तुम गये हो

हमे लगता है जैसे
आकाश की जगमगाहट
तारों का टिमटिमाना
चाँद का मुस्कुराना
बढ गया है--- शायद
शायद तुम्हारे आसमान मे जाने
का जश्न मना रहे हैं
तभी मन मे
एक और सवाल उठता है
मेरा विश्वास
मेरी आस्था
उस भगवान के प्रति
आहत हो उठती है
सभी धर्म और सन्त लोग कहते हैं
वो दुख हर्ता है पाप हरता है
दयालू है , करुणा निधान है
और भी न जाने कितनी उपमायें देते हैं
अगर वो सच मे करुणा निधान है
तो  एक माँ से उसके बेटे को छीन कर
कौन सी करुणा दिखा रहा है
फिर कुछ जवाब मिलते हैं
:ये पिछले जन्म के करम हैं
और रिश्तों की न सही
मगर क्या वो दयावान, पाप हरता
एक माँ के पिछले जन्म के
पाप नही हर सकता?
धर्म  तो ये भी कहते हैं
कि माँ का दर्जा भगवान से भी बडा होता है।
शायद भगवान की कोई माँ नही होती
उसे दया ममता से कुछ लेना देना नही
या वो केवल अपनी शक्ति दिखाने के लिये
ऐसे खेल खेलता है
आज तुम्हारे जाने से
इन सभी  आस्थाओं पर
एक प्रश्न चिन्ह लग गया है।
और ये सवाल  पर सवाल
तुम्हारी माँ तुम्हारे भाई से
बहुत से सवाल करती है
और वो सब तुम्हारे जवाब की
प्रतीक्षा मे हैं मगर
मुझे पता है--- ये सवाल सदियों
से कई माँयें ,भाई बहन पत्नियाँ करती रही हैं
मैने भी अपने बेटे की मौत पर किये थे।
जब उन्हें जवाब नही मिले
तो फिर इन्हें कैसे मिलेंगे
इनका हल भी हमे खुद ढूँढना पडेगा
जैसे मैने ढूँढ लिया था
ये वक्त का मरहम
बडे बडे घाव भी भर देता है
मगर ये सवाल वक्त बेवक्त
 जीवन भर हमारा पीछा नही छोडते
तुम्हारे जाने से मौत ही नही
ज़िन्दगी भी एक सवाल बन गयी है
लेकिन हम सब मिल कर
इन सवालों का हल ढूँढ लेंगे
इनके साथ जीयेंगे
मगर तुम खुश रहना
बहुत याद आया करोगे
आ कर रुलाया करोगे
मगर फिर भी
तुम्हारी तरह मुस्कुराना हैं हंसना हंसाना है
तुम्हारी तरह जीना है
क्यों कि तुम बहुत अच्छे थे
अपने थे, दिल के करीब
ये मत समझना मेरे सवाल खत्म हो गये हैं
कल फिर आऊँगी कुछ और सवाल ले कर।
तब तक तुम इन चाँद तारों के शहर मे जश्न मनाओ